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Moments (Muse)

In our moment
     of Finally
She took my hand
    And led me
Answered the questions
    I should have asked
Removed the longing
    Scars from my back
Took me to her place
    I should have always been
Let me know every other
    Was my burdened sin
She pulled me close
    Like I’d always wished
Kept me near and
    Denied me her kiss
And if she smiled
    As she ripped my shirt
My heart forgave
    Who always came first
Then she removed everything
    Save her last secret
One last promise
    She’s never told it her best

But she pulls me in closer
Says she tells me the most or
  We need to have one more thing
  Closer and closer inside we bring
Our secrets our kiss our dreams
Release let yourself be here with me
Let the consequences fall the weight i’ll carry
   For once just let go, welcomed in
  Smile in our nights of forgotten

Dreams and I wake
 And I’m without you
Even in these dreams
 I can’t have you
I’m awake and alone
 And I can’t tell you
I know what you hide
 And I still want you

Give your secrets to mine
Awaken our dream
Say what you mean
I’ll promise from inside
I just want you
I just want you

You’ve never been my secret
I gave you my promise
Give you my word
Always my Only
Our moments are finally
Awake and we’re real.

   – JT
 March 31, 2020

Auntie D

it’s been a while since the sun came up
  i know i should be movin or be doin stuff
but like last night i’ll stay here awake
keep  killing time until goodness’ sake
and if you’re right and when i’m wrong
  you can say you knew it all along
cause imma lay here til i can go and get it
  like how we make it just to wreck it
now if i stay above and pretend i’m alive
  we have to do this with good inside
and so i’m calling

time for a visit with Auntie D
 every time I’m down she brings cheer for me
she makes up the stories of all i can do
 sometimes she helps me forget about you
yeah we ride in the sun in my broke down car
 she’s riding shotgun life can’t be hard
and i live for my visit with Auntie D
 wash down our smiles with budget beer
forget all the things we shouldn’t hear
 i’ve been told now to trust my Auntie D

they’re saying things i can’t be bothering
 i shut down quiet but they’re hollering
they say it’s not the way not how i used to be
 they don’t know the fights n voices here inside of me
they can’t hear the ghost of who i was supposed to be
 and i used to fight for good until it hurt
but win or lose all i made was worse
  say i was the king i used to ride on top
  i was waiting for that bottom drop
  and if i fell if all that love would stop
now if i say the truth my happy rides away
and if i know it nothing’s gonna stay

we line up for our visit with Auntie D
 when i’m down she brings cheer for me
makes up her stories of all i can do
 helps me forget about me and you
riding together in my brokedown car
 Auntie D beside me
and life can’t be hard
 we crack a beer
wash our feelings back
 life so serious
like a heart attack
 Auntie D will keep
all the demons down
 Auntie D the promise
in tomorrow’s shroud

and now i’m shaking trying to ease the pain
 these pains were new but now they’re old again
forgive me tomorrow when all i need
 is six feet of rope when i’m scared to bleed
and if i wrap this guilt around my neck
 well maybe this was my only track
and i asked for help before this end
 when Auntie D was my only friend
i asked for help but you wouldn’t see
 my Auntie D, controlling me

went for a walk with Auntie D
 told me to forget who i used to be
now i drink to the past
 when my future’s last
now it’s that thing i don’t admit to
 secret’s sworn you know i don’t do
come and visit say it’s good to see me
 save your thanks for prescription Auntie D

   – JT
1am, March 25, 2020


let’s promise it better
let’s promise it first
we promised we’d never
our promises worse

some day soon
i’ll move on from these forgotten dreams
yeah some day soon
i’ll give up on the idea of you

i have lifted mountains
  moved worlds in your name
none of your others
  could ever say the same
and i have sold tomorrows
  buried loves under the dirt
we had made our promises
  but all they do is hurt

some day soon
i’m moving on from these forgotten dreams
yeah some day soon
i’m givin up on the idea of you

and i have kept my word
  and i’ve given them to your name
we were fallen first
  we forgot to rise again
and i have lived in midnight
  for a second of your time
but i die every cursed morning
  we betray our yours and mine

some day soon
i’ll have forgot these tattered dreams
ohhhh some day soon
i’m givin up on me and you

some day.

   – JT
 12:16am, March 7, 2020


but I don’t want your perfect
I want you, perfect
beautiful with your scars
magnificent in your flaws
I crave you at your best
I need you at your worst
All the things you keep secret
Your burdens you kept hidden
From me, the world in disbelief
Everything they won’t let you achieve
I see, I know
I want to hold you when you go
Can’t let you go back to him
broken love is not a sin
I’ll tell you now what I should have said
Still time for what we should have did
I want your beauty and your sick
I want you angry and your kiss
I need your secrets and all that’s common
Your perfect public person and your moments wanton
I want every moment we should have had
Every coming second good and bad

I know I ask a lot but
Give sacrifice to this thought
I promise you my everything
From the first I gave you my promise
Ring in my ears
Love in the wrong time
Whisper midnight crimes
It’ll never be perfect
But you and me, perfect.

– JT
12:53am, March 6, 2020

Merry Christmas

Ever since I first moved out and went away to school, I’ve gone back to my old hometown for Christmas. I’ve driven through blizzards, worked 20 hour days, done whatever I needed to ensure I could get back, so that my dad wouldn’t wake up alone in his house on Christmas day. Last year, due to his strokes, I was the one waking up alone in his house.

Many years ago, the only coffee shop in dad’s town started opening up on Christmas for a few hours, with some nice people volunteering their time and the cafe donating coffee and cookies for free, all so anyone that didn’t have anywhere to go, would. Dad and I would go every year for a quick coffee after we’d exchanged presents and got the turkey in the oven. Last year I had no idea what to do alone in dad’s house on Christmas morning, so I put his dog in the car and drove down to the cafe, now being one of those people that didn’t have anywhere to go. I set an extra cup out for my dad and called him in the hospital, maintaining our tradition of going out for that coffee. For a moment it felt comforting, but as I hung up the phone I knew I felt lost, with no idea what was coming next, or where to go; so I did what I always do when I need to think – I went for a drive. I grabbed a treat for the dog and jumped into dad’s car. We drove for a bit, I let the dog out for a walk, we drove some more and before I knew it, I was where I guess I subconsciously knew I was going all along – to visit my brother.

That’s him in the picture.

I never had a chance to get to know him. To the best of my knowledge, I never even spoke to him while he was alive, but I ever since I moved away I try and go talk to him at least once every visit back to my old town. I wonder about him a lot – rarely a day goes by without a thought him. I wonder what he’d be like, who he’d have grown up to be. I wonder what I’d be like as an older brother? Would he be creative as well? What type of career would he have now? What sort of cars would he have been into, and would I have ever let him win a race?

I stood there for quite a while last year, coffee in my hand, freezing my behind off while dad’s dog sat comfortably in the warm car, patiently waiting. I knew I’d been through a lot and times were sure as hell really hard, but visiting him always reminds me to be grateful. I’m still here. I have the opportunity and the ability to go through these hard times, and I get to fight to make it better. My brother never got that chance. Whenever life tries to knock me down, I get back up for both him and me.

This year, for the first time ever, I am not spending Christmas in my old home town. It’s been probably the worst year of my life, and I had no desire to wake up alone on Christmas morning in my dad’s house again. By my choice, I’m spending the day alone (with my two cats, who are scarcely letting me out of their sight). I am choosing to take these days back, for myself, for my mental and spiritual health. Yesterday I got in as much of a workout as my ongoing injuries would allow, did some work and indulged some time with my sketchbook. Today I’ve done a bit of work, cranked up super seasonally inappropriate tunes, poured a healthy shot of Jack Daniel’s into my coffee and enjoyed the moment. I stood in my window, raised my glass and gave a Christmas cheer to my little bro. I hope that wherever he is, whatever he’s up to, he’s happy, healthy, and proud of me. I’m working hard so that one day we both will be.

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