I’d like to thank Spotify for recommending Emo playlists for me the last two nights. It’s fitting.

I’ve been told I don’t have a concussion anymore; I have post concussion syndrome because I wonderfully didn’t heal properly, and now I have a whole lotta stuff that doctor google wants to tell me is wrong with me. I did one quick online search to see if there was anything I could do to make myself better, and got basically scared off the interwebs.

It’s funny… mostly because if I didn’t laugh I’d be crying (at most things) – my doctor told me that because I worked out so much before the accident, and have such a strong desire now to get back to working out, and a willingness to train through the pain now, that’s going to help me get better.

This is the same doctor that told me that depression, anxiety and an increased temper are all perfectly natural for what I’m going through now, and wow, someone give me a gold star for this one. I’ve been waking up with a headache daily since the accident. Some days it’s mild and a bothersome distraction, other days it’s like a wood chipper installed at the base of my neck. Regardless of how I feel physically, I wake up with a sense of dread, and some days, hopelessness. I know I’m not terrible. I know I’ve got some wonderful skills and an unmatched work ethic (One of my highest profile clients has told me, many times that “J, you’ve got a give-a-shit factor beyond anyone else. You care so much – and always get the job done.”).. but lately that’s all meant nadda. Even when I write a to-do list for myself, some days I wake up not wanting to look at it, some days I wonder what the point of even trying is.

Every one of those days, I give myself a (very gentle, headache-aware) shake, and I fight my way out of it. Every day, I remind myself of what I’ve accomplished and what I still want to do. Every day it gets harder.

I had my first workout a few days ago without any dizzy spells, and I’m taking that as a major win. Prior to that, every training session ended unexpectedly with a dizzy spell, and I’d shut down my workout, head home, and rest for 48 hours.

Today, I sat at my desk and my closed computer thinking that I had to do something to promote myself and my company. I sat there for ten minutes and could not figure out what to do, and so I walked away in silent frustration.

Tomorrow will be better.