In our moment of Finally She took my hand And led me Answered the questions I should have asked Removed the longing Scars from my back Took me to her place I should have always been Let me know every other Was my burdened sin She pulled me close Like I’d always wished Kept me near and Denied me her kiss And if she smiled As she ripped my shirt My heart forgave Who always came first Then she removed everything Save her last secret One last promise She’s never told it her best
But she pulls me in closer Says she tells me the most or We need to have one more thing Closer and closer inside we bring Our secrets our kiss our dreams Release let yourself be here with me Let the consequences fall the weight i’ll carry For once just let go, welcomed in Smile in our nights of forgotten
Dreams and I wake And I’m without you Even in these dreams I can’t have you I’m awake and alone And I can’t tell you I know what you hide And I still want you
Give your secrets to mine Awaken our dream Say what you mean I’ll promise from inside I just want you I just want you
You’ve never been my secret I gave you my promise Give you my word Always my Only Our moments are finally Awake and we’re real.
it’s been a while since the sun came up i know i should be movin or be doin stuff but like last night i’ll stay here awake keep killing time until goodness’ sake and if you’re right and when i’m wrong you can say you knew it all along cause imma lay here til i can go and get it like how we make it just to wreck it now if i stay above and pretend i’m alive we have to do this with good inside and so i’m calling
time for a visit with Auntie D every time I’m down she brings cheer for me she makes up the stories of all i can do sometimes she helps me forget about you yeah we ride in the sun in my broke down car she’s riding shotgun life can’t be hard and i live for my visit with Auntie D wash down our smiles with budget beer forget all the things we shouldn’t hear i’ve been told now to trust my Auntie D
they’re saying things i can’t be bothering i shut down quiet but they’re hollering they say it’s not the way not how i used to be they don’t know the fights n voices here inside of me they can’t hear the ghost of who i was supposed to be and i used to fight for good until it hurt but win or lose all i made was worse say i was the king i used to ride on top i was waiting for that bottom drop and if i fell if all that love would stop now if i say the truth my happy rides away and if i know it nothing’s gonna stay
we line up for our visit with Auntie D when i’m down she brings cheer for me makes up her stories of all i can do helps me forget about me and you riding together in my brokedown car Auntie D beside me and life can’t be hard we crack a beer wash our feelings back life so serious like a heart attack Auntie D will keep all the demons down Auntie D the promise in tomorrow’s shroud
and now i’m shaking trying to ease the pain these pains were new but now they’re old again forgive me tomorrow when all i need is six feet of rope when i’m scared to bleed and if i wrap this guilt around my neck well maybe this was my only track and i asked for help before this end when Auntie D was my only friend i asked for help but you wouldn’t see my Auntie D, controlling me
went for a walk with Auntie D told me to forget who i used to be now i drink to the past when my future’s last now it’s that thing i don’t admit to secret’s sworn you know i don’t do come and visit say it’s good to see me save your thanks for prescription Auntie D
let’s promise it better let’s promise it first we promised we’d never our promises worse
some day soon
i’ll move on from these forgotten dreams
yeah some day soon
i’ll give up on the idea of you
i have lifted mountains
moved worlds in your name
none of your others
could ever say the same
and i have sold tomorrows
buried loves under the dirt
we had made our promises
but all they do is hurt
some day soon i’m moving on from these forgotten dreams yeah some day soon i’m givin up on the idea of you
and i have kept my word
and i’ve given them to your name
we were fallen first
we forgot to rise again
and i have lived in midnight
for a second of your time
but i die every cursed morning
we betray our yours and mine
some day soon i’ll have forgot these tattered dreams ohhhh some day soon i’m givin up on me and you
but I don’t want your perfect I want you, perfect beautiful with your scars magnificent in your flaws I crave you at your best I need you at your worst All the things you keep secret Your burdens you kept hidden From me, the world in disbelief Everything they won’t let you achieve I see, I know I want to hold you when you go Can’t let you go back to him broken love is not a sin I’ll tell you now what I should have said Still time for what we should have did I want your beauty and your sick I want you angry and your kiss I need your secrets and all that’s common Your perfect public person and your moments wanton I want every moment we should have had Every coming second good and bad
I know I ask a lot but Give sacrifice to this thought I promise you my everything From the first I gave you my promise Ring in my ears Love in the wrong time Whisper midnight crimes It’ll never be perfect But you and me, perfect.
Ever since I first moved out and went away to school, I’ve gone back to my old hometown for Christmas. I’ve driven through blizzards, worked 20 hour days, done whatever I needed to ensure I could get back, so that my dad wouldn’t wake up alone in his house on Christmas day. Last year, due to his strokes, I was the one waking up alone in his house.
Many years ago, the only coffee shop in dad’s town started opening up on Christmas for a few hours, with some nice people volunteering their time and the cafe donating coffee and cookies for free, all so anyone that didn’t have anywhere to go, would. Dad and I would go every year for a quick coffee after we’d exchanged presents and got the turkey in the oven. Last year I had no idea what to do alone in dad’s house on Christmas morning, so I put his dog in the car and drove down to the cafe, now being one of those people that didn’t have anywhere to go. I set an extra cup out for my dad and called him in the hospital, maintaining our tradition of going out for that coffee. For a moment it felt comforting, but as I hung up the phone I knew I felt lost, with no idea what was coming next, or where to go; so I did what I always do when I need to think – I went for a drive. I grabbed a treat for the dog and jumped into dad’s car. We drove for a bit, I let the dog out for a walk, we drove some more and before I knew it, I was where I guess I subconsciously knew I was going all along – to visit my brother.
That’s him in the picture.
I never had a chance to get to know him. To the best of my knowledge, I never even spoke to him while he was alive, but I ever since I moved away I try and go talk to him at least once every visit back to my old town. I wonder about him a lot – rarely a day goes by without a thought him. I wonder what he’d be like, who he’d have grown up to be. I wonder what I’d be like as an older brother? Would he be creative as well? What type of career would he have now? What sort of cars would he have been into, and would I have ever let him win a race?
I stood there for quite a while last year, coffee in my hand, freezing my behind off while dad’s dog sat comfortably in the warm car, patiently waiting. I knew I’d been through a lot and times were sure as hell really hard, but visiting him always reminds me to be grateful. I’m still here. I have the opportunity and the ability to go through these hard times, and I get to fight to make it better. My brother never got that chance. Whenever life tries to knock me down, I get back up for both him and me.
This year, for the first time ever, I am not spending Christmas in my old home town. It’s been probably the worst year of my life, and I had no desire to wake up alone on Christmas morning in my dad’s house again. By my choice, I’m spending the day alone (with my two cats, who are scarcely letting me out of their sight). I am choosing to take these days back, for myself, for my mental and spiritual health. Yesterday I got in as much of a workout as my ongoing injuries would allow, did some work and indulged some time with my sketchbook. Today I’ve done a bit of work, cranked up super seasonally inappropriate tunes, poured a healthy shot of Jack Daniel’s into my coffee and enjoyed the moment. I stood in my window, raised my glass and gave a Christmas cheer to my little bro. I hope that wherever he is, whatever he’s up to, he’s happy, healthy, and proud of me. I’m working hard so that one day we both will be.
